Originally Aired on 22nd September 1997
Well, I’m back, and I’m not the only one. I spoke (four years ago) about how there were a lot of returning guests in series two, and in this episode, we get two of the better guests from the first series. Accordingly, there’s a greater sense of everyone feeling at ease with each other.
“Hello, I’m Mark Lamarr, and welcome to Never Mind the Buzzcocks, the pop quiz that says ‘This wheel’s on fire, and look at that hamster go!’ Our two team captains have already contributed to the festival atmosphere. Sean Hughes hasn’t washed for a week and Phill Jupitus has flooded the toilets. Please welcome Sean and Phill!”
Edwyn Collins – “Sean’s first guest is Scottish singer-songwriter Edwyn Collins. Edwyn’s first job was as an artist in Glasgow’s parks. His finest works included Still Life with Park Bench, Dead Tramp in Hedge, and the classic Dog Crapping on Bowling Green.”
Edwyn seems a pretty safe booking for the show – a veteran musician undergoing a commercial renaissance at the time of this episode, renowned for his erudition, the bookers would have expected him to tick plenty of boxes. There’s no reason, on the basis of this, that he couldn’t have returned – he’s witty, able to hold his own against the comedians, and seems to enjoy himself. As it is, it’s a one-off.
Jeff Green – “Sean’s second guest is comedian Jeff Green. Embarrassingly, Jeff was once a fan of soprano choirboy Aled Jones, and then the penny dropped, among other things.”
Another solid, lively performance from Jeff, who always brings plenty of enthusiasm to his appearances. Considering the show is still taking a ‘quiz first, comedy second’ approach, but is gradually loosening up, a guest like Jeff is ideal, as his approach is to be funny but to use the confines of the quiz to generate his material.
Tony Wright – “Phill’s first guest is Tony Wright, singer with Britrock Gods, Terrorvision. The band are such hell raisers that on a tour of America they once carried on partying during an earthquake. In fact, the first they knew about it was when Charlton Heston appeared and led them to safety.”
Tony’s Tony, endearing, occasionally dopey without being irritating, and giggling his way through his jokes in such a way that leaves you unsure as to whether they’ve been written for him or he’s just amused himself as he’s thought of them. He’s a reliable figure in these early series, and it’s always good to see him.
Gary Barlow – “Phill’s second guest is Gary Barlow. He’s now a successful solo artist, and we’ve been asked not to mention his boyband past. He can take almost anything, but he can’t take that. I’m sorry about that Gary.”
Well, fair play to him for appearing after being the butt of a lot of jokes in the first series, mostly about the state of his career by this point, although his intro is kind enough to describe his solo career as ‘successful’. While that might have been an exaggeration he would still have been a big enough star that the fact he’s appearing at all is testament to what a success the show had been. Sadly, that’s all that’s really notable – he might be a polished performer on our screens nowadays, but here the future national treasure/tax dodger (delete as appropriate) is mostly quiet, and, with the possible exception of the Intros Round, where he’s able to rely on his singing voice, never seems entirely comfortable.
Kicking us off, Sean’s team must translate the chorus of Song 2 by Blur. I’m no fan of this round, but it seems that Jeff very much is, weaving a preposterously elaborate backstory to his answer and dancing as he sings it to the original, on his own to boot. Sean has a suggestion before Edwyn puts us on something resembling the right path, enough for a single point.
Phill’s team get a slightly less famous song, being tasked with recounting the lyrics to Open the Gate by Dutch metalheads Vortex. The funnier bits are in the margins here – the banter about the video’s good, the actual attempt at providing lyrics less so, but at the very least give them credit for having worked together, divvied up the lines, etc. It feels a bit more streamlined than some previous efforts. Sadly, no-one has the real lyrics – not even Tony, who owns the album – so Mark fills us in, and gives a point “for charity’s sake”.
Sean and Edwyn are firstly tasked with impersonating Peaches by the Stranglers. It’s a solid performance of one of those songs that’s distinctive enough that it’s hard to mess up. Jeff gets it.
Next up, Honky Tonk Women by the Rolling Stones. If the last song was idiot-proof, this song turns out to be pretty difficult, at least for Sean and Edwyn. Edwyn’s use of his housekeys and a beer bottle to impersonate the cowbell ends up being overpoweringly loud, Sean can’t even get started, and after they swap roles Edwyn’s impersonation of the riff isn’t quite there. Still there’s enough for Phill to swoop in for a bonus point.
Last, and probably least is D’You Know What I Mean? by Oasis. Sean, as is his wont, is more interested in giving visual clues – i.e. standing stock still like Liam Gallagher – leaving Edwyn to try and capture the guitar, the helicopter and what I’m presuming is Morse code. Jeff’s lost, Phill’s not.
There’s no rest for Phill, as he and Gary must now perform Adam & the Ants’ Prince Charming. It’s a good, enthusiastic rendition, helped by the requisite dance moves. Tony was living in a cave – well, Keighley – in the 80s, sadly, and doesn’t recognise it, so Jeff makes up for some of his guessing on the last round.
Controversy! You can’t really fuck up the Village People’s YMCA, can you? It’s another intro that’s so distinctive there’s no way it’s not guaranteed points in the bag. It certainly seems that way when Tony, within seconds, is stood up and joining in with his teammates, but then Phill, clearly in the mood to continue showing off his moves, jumps to the chorus, performs the dance and shouts out the title. Tony clearly knew what it was – well, you’d presume as much – but Mark is having none of it. Oh, Phill!
Lastly, and apparently against Phill’s will, it’s Faith by George Michael. They perhaps make the organ intro sound a touch livelier than it actually is, but it’s otherwise a good rendition, and by the time the guitar comes in Phill’s apparently warmed to it. Tony gets it.
A slight shift in name – Sean’s team are asked to join the dots between Spandau Ballet and Pulp. Edwyn has a couple of suggestions. The first – large genitalia – isn’t true, or at the very least isn’t on Mark’s card, but the second – appearances in teen girls’ magazines’ photo love stories – is, Jarvis Cocker and Tony Hadley being the guilty parties.
Phill’s team have to connect Iggy Pop and Pink Floyd. Tony wins the team a bonus point for amusing Mark, but the actual answer is so hopelessly bizarre and obscure as to be beyond anyone, with both artists being honoured by America’s National Association of Brick Distributors at their annual music video awards. Cue a photo of Iggy Pop receiving said award that’s probably the funniest thing in the whole episode.
Sean’s team must spot former New Seeker Eve Graham, with Mark making a very big point of the fact that the teams are not shown the footage that appears in the final broadcast. The line-up is “number one, my maths mistress, number two, Laura Ashley’s sister, number three, who’s just made for a song of never-ending love, number four, one of the frock chorus, or number five, hang on, wasn’t she in Pan’s People last series?” Sean’s often less than gracious handling of the line-up is on display, as he rather dismissively suggests Ms Graham wouldn’t have many royalties left as she wasn’t a songwriter – Wikipedia, for what it’s worth, suggests she has been deprived of royalties somewhat, so nice one Sean! – while Edwyn recognises number five as the culprit immediately, earning his side some points.
Phill’s team, meanwhile, are given Den Hegarty, the bug-eyed and manic bass singer with Darts, who my Dad continues to insist invented punk. (He also says that crinkle cut chips are a Chinese invention.) Some effort has been put into disguising the distinctive Hegarty – more than was put into disguising Buster Bloodvessel last year certainly – as all five are given dark glasses. They are “number one, your scary grandad, number two, your recently released uncle, number three, actually, he’s not a real welder, number four, the man from the CIA, or number five, the man from the DSS?” After some brief japes Phill cuts to the chase – even dressed as one of the Men in Black, he recognises number two as our man, and sure enough, the shades come off and it’s him.
Both teams go into the final round level, thereby rendering every previous round pointless, I suppose. There’s definitely a loosening up compared to the last series, with Sean’s team taking their time pretending (?) to not get a Take That lyric, Gary getting a Robbie Williams question right immediately and Jeff being so eager to play along during Phill’s team’s round that he gives away a couple of answers. Even with Jeff’s assistance Phill’s team can’t win though, the final score being 16-15 in Sean’s favour.
Still sticking with the format of the guitar chord, the announcer and an appended joke. This week, “…I’ve been Mark Lamarr, which I know means nothing in the real world. Good night.”
How Good Is The Script?
- The Good: There’s a nice, silly joke about Adam & the Ants after the Intros Round.
- The Bad: None of the guests’ introductory jokes are much cop, are they?
- Overall: Two or three inspired jokes but a lot of dross.
Proof That It’s 1997
- Tony and Jeff are both very late 90s guests, as I discussed when they appeared before. Edwyn’s been working for 35 years by this point but was very much at his commercial peak here, riding the crest of A Girl Like You’s success.
- Sean’s contribution to Indecipherable Lyrics centres around the poor reception to Oasis’ Be Here Now, released just weeks earlier.
- Mark (or the script, anyway) gets in a joke about Ulrika Jonsson that plays off the fact that they were on Shooting Stars together at the time.
- You don’t really get Patsy Kensit jokes anymore, and I could be wrong but I think jokes about Robbie Williams’ weight tailed off a while ago, probably when he started getting his kit off in videos in an effort to show he wasn’t actually fat.
- Tony’s joke about ‘banned alcopops’ is a reference to a brief moral panic about said drinks; specifically, according to Wikipedia, the Co-Op had banned them in 1997.
- I have to admit that my first memory upon seeing this episode listed was of Gary Barlow being drunk, at the very least. Watching it back the only ‘evidence’ is that his eyes seem pretty glazed during Indecipherable Lyrics, and who can blame him? This probably suggests he wasn’t very good at delivering the pre-prepared lines, since, quiet as he is, he seems lucid for the rest of the episode. Sorry, Gary. Now pay your taxes.
- Oh, and not to pile on him, but he does seem to wince slightly at the mention of Take That in his introductory joke. It’s always hard to tell with the scripted jokes what’s a conceit and what’s not, but it might well be that the show had been asked to skirt around his then-former band.
- Edwyn’s ‘student humour’ remark to Jeff is in good humour, presumably. I only feel like bringing it up because Jeff is nobody’s idea of student humour, and the idea of one of the pillars of indie pop accusing anyone else’s work of being aimed at students is a bit of a pot and kettle situation, frankly.
- Phill’s “badly dubbed Dutch vid with a bone in someone’s hand” is the funniest thing he’s come out with on the show thus far, and one of those lines where it almost seems too perfect, as though the video had been filmed to set up the joke. Not that I’m seriously suggesting that – the video might be laughable but I’ll be damned if I don’t have the song in my head now.
- I’ve a feeling that Phill’s dislike for George Michael and Wham! will come up fairly often, with him making it clear repeatedly that he doesn’t want to perform their intros.
- As every long-running quiz must eventually do, there’s a moment where they pretend to be reading from scripts to send up the idea – the very idea! – that the show might be scripted. It’s a cute if overdone bit, helped out by a funny contribution from Edwyn, but it’s not helped by the fact that it comes right after Tony telling a joke where he continually pauses to glance at the desk in front of him at his notes. It’s no secret that there was some preparation to the show, and in a lot of ways it’s better to give non-comedians funny lines than to let them flounder. Plus, it’s pretty clear that there is room for spontaneity, which’ll only increase as time goes on. But still, it’s all a bit rich.
- Another example, most likely the product of the edit suite, of Mark hurrying up a team when they don’t seem to be taking all that long, this time in the Identity Parade. Considering in later episodes this round will have the potential to go on for a good five minutes it’s cute to see that even the slightest deliberation is seen as excessive.
The show continues to operate at a higher level than the first series without hitting any great heights. Jeff and Tony are reliable ringers for the show to bring in, Edwyn’s a very good one-off and a wilderness-era Gary lends some historical fascination without being obtrusive. I don’t know that it’s one that you’d choose to hunt down and watch above all others, but it’s solidly entertaining for half an hour.