Series Two, Episode Two: “I don’t find your student humour amusing.”

Originally Aired on 22nd September 1997

Well, I’m back, and I’m not the only one. I spoke (four years ago) about how there were a lot of returning guests in series two, and in this episode, we get two of the better guests from the first series. Accordingly, there’s a greater sense of everyone feeling at ease with each other.

Introduction
“Hello, I’m Mark Lamarr, and welcome to Never Mind the Buzzcocks, the pop quiz that says ‘This wheel’s on fire, and look at that hamster go!’ Our two team captains have already contributed to the festival atmosphere. Sean Hughes hasn’t washed for a week and Phill Jupitus has flooded the toilets. Please welcome Sean and Phill!”

Guests

Edwyn Collins – “Sean’s first guest is Scottish singer-songwriter Edwyn Collins. Edwyn’s first job was as an artist in Glasgow’s parks. His finest works included Still Life with Park Bench, Dead Tramp in Hedge, and the classic Dog Crapping on Bowling Green.”
Edwyn seems a pretty safe booking for the show – a veteran musician undergoing a commercial renaissance at the time of this episode, renowned for his erudition, the bookers would have expected him to tick plenty of boxes. There’s no reason, on the basis of this, that he couldn’t have returned – he’s witty, able to hold his own against the comedians, and seems to enjoy himself. As it is, it’s a one-off.

Jeff Green – “Sean’s second guest is comedian Jeff Green. Embarrassingly, Jeff was once a fan of soprano choirboy Aled Jones, and then the penny dropped, among other things.”
Another solid, lively performance from Jeff, who always brings plenty of enthusiasm to his appearances. Considering the show is still taking a ‘quiz first, comedy second’ approach, but is gradually loosening up, a guest like Jeff is ideal, as his approach is to be funny but to use the confines of the quiz to generate his material.

Tony Wright – “Phill’s first guest is Tony Wright, singer with Britrock Gods, Terrorvision. The band are such hell raisers that on a tour of America they once carried on partying during an earthquake. In fact, the first they knew about it was when Charlton Heston appeared and led them to safety.”
Tony’s Tony, endearing, occasionally dopey without being irritating, and giggling his way through his jokes in such a way that leaves you unsure as to whether they’ve been written for him or he’s just amused himself as he’s thought of them. He’s a reliable figure in these early series, and it’s always good to see him.

Gary Barlow – “Phill’s second guest is Gary Barlow. He’s now a successful solo artist, and we’ve been asked not to mention his boyband past. He can take almost anything, but he can’t take that. I’m sorry about that Gary.”
Well, fair play to him for appearing after being the butt of a lot of jokes in the first series, mostly about the state of his career by this point, although his intro is kind enough to describe his solo career as ‘successful’. While that might have been an exaggeration he would still have been a big enough star that the fact he’s appearing at all is testament to what a success the show had been. Sadly, that’s all that’s really notable – he might be a polished performer on our screens nowadays, but here the future national treasure/tax dodger (delete as appropriate) is mostly quiet, and, with the possible exception of the Intros Round, where he’s able to rely on his singing voice, never seems entirely comfortable.

Indecipherable Lyrics

Kicking us off, Sean’s team must translate the chorus of Song 2 by Blur. I’m no fan of this round, but it seems that Jeff very much is, weaving a preposterously elaborate backstory to his answer and dancing as he sings it to the original, on his own to boot. Sean has a suggestion before Edwyn puts us on something resembling the right path, enough for a single point.

Phill’s team get a slightly less famous song, being tasked with recounting the lyrics to Open the Gate by Dutch metalheads Vortex. The funnier bits are in the margins here – the banter about the video’s good, the actual attempt at providing lyrics less so, but at the very least give them credit for having worked together, divvied up the lines, etc. It feels a bit more streamlined than some previous efforts. Sadly, no-one has the real lyrics – not even Tony, who owns the album – so Mark fills us in, and gives a point “for charity’s sake”.

Intros Round

Sean and Edwyn are firstly tasked with impersonating Peaches by the Stranglers. It’s a solid performance of one of those songs that’s distinctive enough that it’s hard to mess up. Jeff gets it.

Next up, Honky Tonk Women by the Rolling Stones. If the last song was idiot-proof, this song turns out to be pretty difficult, at least for Sean and Edwyn. Edwyn’s use of his housekeys and a beer bottle to impersonate the cowbell ends up being overpoweringly loud, Sean can’t even get started, and after they swap roles Edwyn’s impersonation of the riff isn’t quite there. Still there’s enough for Phill to swoop in for a bonus point.

Last, and probably least is D’You Know What I Mean? by Oasis. Sean, as is his wont, is more interested in giving visual clues – i.e. standing stock still like Liam Gallagher – leaving Edwyn to try and capture the guitar, the helicopter and what I’m presuming is Morse code. Jeff’s lost, Phill’s not.

There’s no rest for Phill, as he and Gary must now perform Adam & the Ants’ Prince Charming. It’s a good, enthusiastic rendition, helped by the requisite dance moves. Tony was living in a cave – well, Keighley – in the 80s, sadly, and doesn’t recognise it, so Jeff makes up for some of his guessing on the last round.

Controversy! You can’t really fuck up the Village People’s YMCA, can you? It’s another intro that’s so distinctive there’s no way it’s not guaranteed points in the bag. It certainly seems that way when Tony, within seconds, is stood up and joining in with his teammates, but then Phill, clearly in the mood to continue showing off his moves, jumps to the chorus, performs the dance and shouts out the title. Tony clearly knew what it was – well, you’d presume as much – but Mark is having none of it. Oh, Phill!

Lastly, and apparently against Phill’s will, it’s Faith by George Michael. They perhaps make the organ intro sound a touch livelier than it actually is, but it’s otherwise a good rendition, and by the time the guitar comes in Phill’s apparently warmed to it. Tony gets it.

Connected Round

A slight shift in name – Sean’s team are asked to join the dots between Spandau Ballet and Pulp. Edwyn has a couple of suggestions. The first – large genitalia – isn’t true, or at the very least isn’t on Mark’s card, but the second – appearances in teen girls’ magazines’ photo love stories – is, Jarvis Cocker and Tony Hadley being the guilty parties.

Phill’s team have to connect Iggy Pop and Pink Floyd. Tony wins the team a bonus point for amusing Mark, but the actual answer is so hopelessly bizarre and obscure as to be beyond anyone, with both artists being honoured by America’s National Association of Brick Distributors at their annual music video awards. Cue a photo of Iggy Pop receiving said award that’s probably the funniest thing in the whole episode.

Identity Parade

Sean’s team must spot former New Seeker Eve Graham, with Mark making a very big point of the fact that the teams are not shown the footage that appears in the final broadcast. The line-up is “number one, my maths mistress, number two, Laura Ashley’s sister, number three, who’s just made for a song of never-ending love, number four, one of the frock chorus, or number five, hang on, wasn’t she in Pan’s People last series?” Sean’s often less than gracious handling of the line-up is on display, as he rather dismissively suggests Ms Graham wouldn’t have many royalties left as she wasn’t a songwriter – Wikipedia, for what it’s worth, suggests she has been deprived of royalties somewhat, so nice one Sean! – while Edwyn recognises number five as the culprit immediately, earning his side some points.

Phill’s team, meanwhile, are given Den Hegarty, the bug-eyed and manic bass singer with Darts, who my Dad continues to insist invented punk. (He also says that crinkle cut chips are a Chinese invention.) Some effort has been put into disguising the distinctive Hegarty – more than was put into disguising Buster Bloodvessel last year certainly – as all five are given dark glasses. They are “number one, your scary grandad, number two, your recently released uncle, number three, actually, he’s not a real welder, number four, the man from the CIA, or number five, the man from the DSS?” After some brief japes Phill cuts to the chase – even dressed as one of the Men in Black, he recognises number two as our man, and sure enough, the shades come off and it’s him.

Next Lines

Both teams go into the final round level, thereby rendering every previous round pointless, I suppose. There’s definitely a loosening up compared to the last series, with Sean’s team taking their time pretending (?) to not get a Take That lyric, Gary getting a Robbie Williams question right immediately and Jeff being so eager to play along during Phill’s team’s round that he gives away a couple of answers. Even with Jeff’s assistance Phill’s team can’t win though, the final score being 16-15 in Sean’s favour.

In Closing

Still sticking with the format of the guitar chord, the announcer and an appended joke. This week, “…I’ve been Mark Lamarr, which I know means nothing in the real world. Good night.”

How Good Is The Script?

  • The Good: There’s a nice, silly joke about Adam & the Ants after the Intros Round.
  • The Bad: None of the guests’ introductory jokes are much cop, are they?
  • Overall: Two or three inspired jokes but a lot of dross.

Proof That It’s 1997

  • Tony and Jeff are both very late 90s guests, as I discussed when they appeared before. Edwyn’s been working for 35 years by this point but was very much at his commercial peak here, riding the crest of A Girl Like You’s success.
  • Sean’s contribution to Indecipherable Lyrics centres around the poor reception to Oasis’ Be Here Now, released just weeks earlier.
  • Mark (or the script, anyway) gets in a joke about Ulrika Jonsson that plays off the fact that they were on Shooting Stars together at the time.
  • You don’t really get Patsy Kensit jokes anymore, and I could be wrong but I think jokes about Robbie Williams’ weight tailed off a while ago, probably when he started getting his kit off in videos in an effort to show he wasn’t actually fat.
  • Tony’s joke about ‘banned alcopops’ is a reference to a brief moral panic about said drinks; specifically, according to Wikipedia, the Co-Op had banned them in 1997.

Other Observations

  • I have to admit that my first memory upon seeing this episode listed was of Gary Barlow being drunk, at the very least. Watching it back the only ‘evidence’ is that his eyes seem pretty glazed during Indecipherable Lyrics, and who can blame him? This probably suggests he wasn’t very good at delivering the pre-prepared lines, since, quiet as he is, he seems lucid for the rest of the episode. Sorry, Gary. Now pay your taxes.
  • Oh, and not to pile on him, but he does seem to wince slightly at the mention of Take That in his introductory joke. It’s always hard to tell with the scripted jokes what’s a conceit and what’s not, but it might well be that the show had been asked to skirt around his then-former band.
  • Edwyn’s ‘student humour’ remark to Jeff is in good humour, presumably. I only feel like bringing it up because Jeff is nobody’s idea of student humour, and the idea of one of the pillars of indie pop accusing anyone else’s work of being aimed at students is a bit of a pot and kettle situation, frankly.
  • Phill’s “badly dubbed Dutch vid with a bone in someone’s hand” is the funniest thing he’s come out with on the show thus far, and one of those lines where it almost seems too perfect, as though the video had been filmed to set up the joke. Not that I’m seriously suggesting that – the video might be laughable but I’ll be damned if I don’t have the song in my head now.
  • I’ve a feeling that Phill’s dislike for George Michael and Wham! will come up fairly often, with him making it clear repeatedly that he doesn’t want to perform their intros.
  • As every long-running quiz must eventually do, there’s a moment where they pretend to be reading from scripts to send up the idea – the very idea! – that the show might be scripted. It’s a cute if overdone bit, helped out by a funny contribution from Edwyn, but it’s not helped by the fact that it comes right after Tony telling a joke where he continually pauses to glance at the desk in front of him at his notes. It’s no secret that there was some preparation to the show, and in a lot of ways it’s better to give non-comedians funny lines than to let them flounder. Plus, it’s pretty clear that there is room for spontaneity, which’ll only increase as time goes on. But still, it’s all a bit rich.
  • Another example, most likely the product of the edit suite, of Mark hurrying up a team when they don’t seem to be taking all that long, this time in the Identity Parade. Considering in later episodes this round will have the potential to go on for a good five minutes it’s cute to see that even the slightest deliberation is seen as excessive.

Final Verdict
The show continues to operate at a higher level than the first series without hitting any great heights. Jeff and Tony are reliable ringers for the show to bring in, Edwyn’s a very good one-off and a wilderness-era Gary lends some historical fascination without being obtrusive. I don’t know that it’s one that you’d choose to hunt down and watch above all others, but it’s solidly entertaining for half an hour.

Series One, Episode Six: “Bryan Ferry’s obsessed by biscuits.”

Originally Aired on 17th January 1997
After all the time and effort I put into this fucking review, the least you could do is watch this video

Introduction
“Aww, you’re lovely! Hello, I’m Mark Lamarr, and this Never Mind the Buzzcocks, the pop quiz that says ‘That deaf, dumb and blind kid sure plays a mean pinball. Terrible juggler, though.’ Our two team captains are comedians who both regret the demise of vinyl. They love the way it sounds and the way it looks, but most of all they love the way it fits round the crotch. It’s Sean Hughes and Phill Jupitus.”

Mark actually goes off script here, with his compliment to the audience, an early sign of him starting to loosen up.

Guests

Richie Wermerling – “Phill’s first guest is Richie Wermerling from Let Loose. Before he became a pop star he was a milkman, and old habits die hard – he still insists his record company leaves his royalties behind the flowerpot outside his front door.”
NOTE: I’m writing this bit four years after the original blog entry, because I apparently forgot to write up Richie’s performance when I originally reviewed this episode. That might be a commentary on his appearance – it’s not really the most memorable – but it’s almost certainly an oversight on my part. So, how is he? Well, as I say, unmemorable. He might be a victim of overly-tight editing – he doesn’t really contribute many jokes or answers, and seems liveliest when he’s being argumentative, the sort of thing that would have got more airtime in later years. As it is, though, it’s not hard to see why this is a one-off appearance.

Jake Burns – “Phill’s second guest is Stiff Little Fingers’ Jake Burns. The Fingers are one of Ulster’s most political bands, and recently only just avoided having all their songs revoiced by an actor.”
It’s a decent enough performance from Jake, who comes across as warm, chirpy and clued-up, but not quite the funniest guest ever. He probably works better here, with the show still more quiz-orientated, than he would have done on a later episode, and it’s hard to believe that the pleasant, amiable chap here is also the raging voice of one of punk’s finest singles.

Tony Wright – “Sean’s first guest is Tony Wright from the country’s leading Britrock band, Terrorvision. Rumour has it they wanted to be called Television but unfortunately they had a Japanese manager.”
The first of many appearances for Tony, who has an odd appeal – he’s not the funniest guest, although he does come out with some good lines, but what he really brings is a wide-eyed, puppy-dog charm. He’s one of the few guests that makes the Indecipherable Lyrics round work, grinning and giggling his way through it, and it’s just hard not to love him.

Bob Mills – “Sean’s second guest is a comedian who’s presented shows like In Bed With Medinner and Win, Lose or Draw, and these days on VH1 he brings pleasure to literally dozens. Bob Mills!”
Britain’s very own answer to Garry Shandling, and the man about whom my Mum is always saying “Ooh, Bob Mills, I used to like him”, this is the first of two appearances for Bob, who’s likeable and witty but sometimes seems a bit keener to play the quiz than to tell jokes.

Freeze Frame

Sean’s team first, and they get Samantha Fox with Hurt Me, Hurt Me. It’s a typically modest video, cutting between Ms Fox in a vaguely Eastern get-up cavorting on a bed and her grinding up against a man who looks strangely like Tom Waits, not that anyone who looks like Tom Waits wouldn’t look a bit strange to begin with. Anyway, we pause just after she slaps her arse. There’s quite a lot of funny guessing, but even with Mark’s clue that they’re looking for what she says rather than what she does no-one really knows and we find out that she completes the earlier line “You can work my body all night long…” with “…but the pants stay on”.

Phill’s team get Suedehead by Morrissey, with everyone’s favourite Walter Softy tribute act riding a tractor about in the snow. The jokes aren’t as funny here, although Richie does manage to refer to Keith Moon as ‘James Dean from the Moon’, which is… something, that’s for sure. Anyway, no-one gets it, so Mark plays the video, revealing the visual non sequitur of Morrissey playing a bongo drum for the benefit of a herd of cows.

Intros Round

Sean and Tony start off, imitating Money, Money, Money by ABBA for Bob’s benefit. They do it well, and with a few good mimes to boot (and a few dodgy ones). Bob is on the ball.

Having had Suggs on a couple of episodes prior, Sean and Tony now treat us to their rendition of House of Fun. It’s pretty good, lengthy pause between Tony doing the drum intro and Sean actually starting up with the rest of the song aside, and Bob gets it right.

Finally, they finish with Lone Ranger by Quantum Jump. They do a good job of imitating the ‘speaking in tongues’ intro, although they don’t actually go into the song beyond that. It’s no use anyway, as Bob has never heard the song, and, amidst protests from Phill, Mark elects not to pass it over, instead preferring just to play it in, because the two were mutually exclusive at this time.

Phill and Richie are up, with E.L.O.’s version of Roll Over Beethoven. It’s a good performance and Jake, punk credibility ebbing away with every second, gets it easy.

Next, Lou Reed, and Walk on the Wild Side. Apart from Richie’s rather suspect idea of what a guitar sounds and indeed looks like, it’s a decent performance, and Jake gets it.

Taking a break from the hits of the early 70s, we get Bon Jovi and Livin’ on a Prayer. It’s not fantastic – Richie does the bassline well, but Phill seems to do the same line when impersonating the talkbox. Still, can’t complain – Jake knows it once again.

Finally, after starting with E.L.O. we bookend with ELP and their Fanfare for the Common Man. Phill does the fanfare itself well, although Richie’s bassline is suspect – Jake isn’t fooled though, and a misspent youth comes in handy as he once again gets it right.

Indecipherable Lyrics

Phill’s team get Nirvana and Smells Like Teen Spirit. Sadly nobody quotes Weird Al’s Smells Like Nirvana. Phill’s flails about with some particularly bad joke lyrics – is it just me that hates this round? – although evidently one woman in the audience is amused enough to laugh hysterically. Jake has pretty much the right answers to put us out of our misery.

Sean’s team get Roxy Music and Virginia Plain, and the guitar in the intro doesn’t give you goosebumps then I don’t know what’s wrong with you. For all my complaining about this round, as I said in his introduction Tony is pretty good at selling it, and it helps that for this one he, Sean and Bob actually have some funny lyrics that for once make sense. Still, Bob’s a massive Roxy Music fan, as all goodhearted people are, and knows the lyrics off by heart, and gives us a good impression of Bryan Ferry’s donkey to boot, which earns his team an extra point.

Identity Parade

We had Nick Heyward in the last episode, and now Sean’s team must identify two of his former Haircut 100 colleagues, Les Nemes and Graham Jones. The line-up consists of “number one, with the cheekbones, number two, no haircut there, surely, number three, no haircut needed, number four, too young by half, and number five, steady girls”. After some solid jokey banter, as the kids say these days, Sean guesses one and three, and by jove, he’s got it.

Phill’s team are given M’s Robin Scott, and it could well be “number one, the doorman, number two, your bank manager, number three, don’t mess with him, number four, insurance can be arranged, or number five, fit as you like”. There’s a ‘classic’ early moment when Phill adopts the mannerisms of a teacher to ask the line-up, all of whom are chewing gum, to spit it out into some paper. They guess number five; correctly, as it turns out, although the wags in the line-up all collectively prepare to step forward together, before pulling back to allow Mr Scott to reveal himself. Oh, the japes!

Next Lines

We’re starting to loosen up a little here, although it’s still fairly rapid. Bob is hilariously competitive, pounding the desk with his fists after what he thinks is a poor round, and Jake continues his tour of unhip music of the early 70s by showing his knowledge of Middle of the Road’s Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep, managing to hit Richie in the head in the process. It’s a close-run thing, but it finishes with 16 points for Phill but 17 for Sean.

How Good Is The Script?

  • The Good: It’s not really a joke per se, but the description of Samantha Fox as alternately ‘the singing mutton’ and ‘the pneumatic chanteuse’ amuses me.
  • The Bad: There’s a joke after the Lou Reed question in the Intros round that really isn’t that funny but gets a big laugh, possibly because it hinges on the word ‘blowjob’ – maybe it was still shocking at the time? There’s a better joke soon after that uses the word ‘muff’ that, while good, gets something of an overreaction too, so maybe it’s that.
  • Overall: It’s not the best, with a few stale gags, but you’re not likely to kick your television screen in and send Mark the bill.

Proof That It’s 1997

  • The joke in Jake’s introduction is, of course, a reference to the redubbing of Irish Republican leaders, but most famously Gerry Adams, by the BBC during the late 80s and early 90s – the practice had actually ended by the time of this episode but it was clearly fresh enough in the memory that the joke works. There’s also a BSE joke after the Morrissey video, and a joke about a post EST-Lou Reed releasing Lou Reed Unplugged, although considering I saw a stand-up do a Steven Hawking Unplugged joke a couple of weeks ago I might be alone in thinking Unplugged jokes are dated.
  • Let Loose had had a couple of hits a year or two prior to this episode, but according to Wikipedia were in ‘difficult second album’ country by this point and split soon after. Bob was just about to start the third series of In Bed With Medinner, so it’s possible that his appearance was to promote that, although considering it was on ITV I’m not so sure. I think people forget just how many hits Terrorvision had, or at least how long they were around for, so Tony’s appearance is more of a sign that it’s the 90s in general.
  • Phill makes a joke about the legal battles between Morrissey and his former Smiths bandmate Mike Joyce, which I think had finally come to an end shortly before this episode.

Other Observations

  • Richie also appeared on the first series of Shooting Stars, but I have to admit to having very little memory of Let Loose whatsoever, even as a kid who watched Top of the Pops at this time. Was he a bit of a pin-up or a media personality in the mid 90s? I could understand both – he’s handsome and comes across as a little outspoken.
  • Although Tony will appear five more times, this is the only time he doesn’t sit to Phill’s right, and the only time he performs in the Intros round.
  • Tony appears to have fans/friends/family/bandmates/well-wishers in the audience, judging by the whoops and cheers during his introduction and some of his jokes.
  • There is a little irony in Mark making a joke about Bob entertaining dozens on VH1 when the YouTube video is taken from a VH1 repeat. (Is that the correct use of irony? I’m normally a pedant myself but I can never be arsed to get that one right.)
  • In the last episode Phill made a joke during Freeze Frame about ‘the other blokes from the Jam’ appearing during a Style Council video; in this episode he makes a joke about ‘the drummer from the Smiths’ appearing during the Morrissey video.
  • As you’ve most likely noticed, Sean and Tony only perform three intros, whereas Phill and Richie do four. Mark does say “here are your four” when passing them their envelope, so presumably this is down to sloppy editing.
  • Mark mentions listening to Gary Crowley on Radio 1, although according to Wikipedia Crowley has never had a show on Radio 1, and although he infers that Mum is a British deodorant it’s actually American (see, I told you I was a pedant).
  • Mark prompts Bob’s impression of Bryan Ferry’s donkey with the offer of a bonus point, the start of a trend of Mark fucking around with points, although it’s a couple more series before he really starts to do it in earnest.
  • I was a little critical of Sean in the last episode, but he’s a lot better here, and in particular looks more relaxed with Tony and Bob.

Final Verdict
Quite a good episode, with a rowdy audience, perhaps bolstered by Tony’s fans/friends/family/doctor/long-lost twin brother, keeping the energy levels high. It’s not perfect – there’s the odd duff round, and Phill seems a little below par at times – but it’s good, with Sean’s team particularly doing well humour-wise.